Cewsh Reviews – WWE Royal Rumble 2013
Welcome, cats and kittens, to yet another installment of the reviews that will hide under the ring until all the other reviews are eliminated, Cewsh Reviews! We have a special treat for you tonight as we have finally reached what many people consider to be the funnest and most interesting wrestling event of the year, the Royal Rumble. And this one is shaping up to be a doozy, which 30 men ready to enter and seemingly 10 odds on favorites to win. Will the monster Ryback destroy everything in his first Rumble match? Will John Cena erase the stink of 2012 with some redemption? Will Heath Slater make it all the way to the ring before someone beats him up? All great questions. And, for once, the Rumble isn’t the only place for rampant speculation and interest. Because we will also see the match up that would have blown 2003 Cewsh’s mind out of his ears, CM Punk vs. The Rock. Will Punk rise to the challenge and hold off the greatest threat to his title in his entire 400+ day reign? Or will The Rock find his inner champion one more time and show that he’s still as good as it gets? How many more questions can I pack into this intro? I don’t know?!
So without any further ado, let’s do a motherfucking review!
Cewsh: You’ve almost certainly seen a Royal Rumble before if you’re reading this, so you’re already predisposed to the following two pieces of information.
1) The Royal Rumble is fucking awesome.
2) The people who make the videos for the Royal Rumble love them a metaphor.
The tradition of creating some kind of overarching theme for the whole show continues this year, as they use a countdown ticking down to represent both the impending arrival of the next Rumble entrant, and CM Punk’s title reign ticking down. And while this may be subtlety on par with setting your boyfriend’s house on fire to let him know you’re upset, it still works great to get across the dual main events and to tie them together. Plus, it all culminates in a Photoshop job so awful that it looks like the WWE productions guys are just trying to show us who they ship.
It’s okay guys, we all have our one true pair. And for us here at Cewsh Reviews, that pair is without a doubt…
Cewsh: Backstage, we see Alberto Del Rio and his friend/butler/bump monkey Ricardo Rodriguez walking on their way to the ring and palling around like the Mexibros they are. They come across Bret Hart, (played here by Sir Ian McKellan,) who tells Del Rio that he reminds Bret of himself. Alberto thanks him profusely for the compliment and tries to go to the ring, but Ricardo is completely marking out for his boyhood hero. Bret handles this dangerous stalker situation in a friendly way, and gives Ricardo a pair of the classic Bret Hart sunglasses before Alberto finally drags an elated Ricardo away.
The fact that they’re having respected and beloved guy like Hart put over Del Rio as a true champion is a terrific idea, and adds to an already astonishingly effective run as Smackdown’s top babyface for Del Rio. The face turn has been the most unexpected breath of fresh air in WWE for years, and I wish both ALberto and Ricardo continued success as they continue to kill it on a nightly basis. Or, at least, I WOULD wish them success if Ricardo hadn’t gotten the glasses I’ve been wanting since I was 8. Because you don’t need a good reason to hold a grudge and I WANT THOSE GLASSES GOD DAMMIT.
MichaelC: So, you might remember from the TLC review that Alberto Del Rio turned face completely out of the blue. Yeah, that happened. He followed it up by committing hit and run against Santa (don’t worry, he got better) and in an even more hideous crime, bringing back Tommy Dreamer. Even so, he has become a massively over babyface in record time, not just helped by the Hispanic audiences which the current storyline is tailored to. Perhaps the lesson is that a man who played a face his entire life is better suited to being one than a heel? Color me shocked. In his new role, he’s actually bloody charismatic, and I speak as one of his biggest detractors.
What we have here is a shining example of WWE’s ability to save a pet project completely.
Big Show is on his own mission to save his career too. As recently as September, he was done and dusted in my book, with his last great matches fading into the distant memory, and him becoming what Terry Funk warns of: a liability to his opponents rather than help. Then came the Sheamus feud, which managed to make the fighting Irishman look vulnerable, and lit a fire under the Show, which has been hitherto missing in 2012. A run of matches between the two followed where the worst was good and the best was great, and as much as I put a chunk of that down to the younger, better opponent, Show certainly carried his weight.
He has carried that into this feud. I didn’t see the Smackdown title change due to health issues this month, but Psycho informs me it was a good match and he is a man of exquisite taste. This match wasn’t too bad either. Del Rio winning two Last Man Standings against a man Sheamus couldn’t put down on his best days really puts the former aristocrat over like Rover. Even in his Indian summer, Show is still capable of putting folk over huge when they let him. I didn’t mind the finish: I discussed it with Justin Jessel during the show and we both agreed it was “Cena v Batista, but smartly done.” Instead of “Oh I’m Batista, I’ll just grasp slowly in disbelief looking tough”… here, Del Rio destroys Shows arm with the chair and armbreaker, so that he CAN’T support himself back up or use his arm to get out of the duct tape.
The Del Rio show moves on.
I’m actually looking excited to it.
Now, if only we could get John Cena to stop burying him on national TV with snide comments about how easy he would be to beat, (in a move that would have gotten Triple H CRUCIFIED by the IWC had he said it,) when they are trying to build him up as the next big superface, that’d be lovely.
Cewsh: This match is really a ton of fun.
Del Rio is so at home in his new skin as the Mexican Hero that WWE has been having wet dreams about since Pedro Morales stopped drawing that it’s ridiculous, and the fans here buy into him 110%. Big Show, for his part, knows that what this match needs him to be is a big, oppressive bully who can’t be stopped, so that’s exactly what he is. Essentially, the Big Show’s brings the same style to this fight that he did against Sheamus. But where Sheamus was a brawler who had no choice or inclination to do anything but try to trade punches with Show, Del Rio is a strategist and a superior athlete, who can run circles around Show and out-think him all the way around.
That’s not to say Del Rio doesn’t take his licks in the process. No matter how smart you are, if you find yourself with the Big Show’s hand around your next while you’re standing on top of part of the stage, your plan probably hasn’t gone precisely the way that you originally meant it to.
But despite that setback, Del Rio managed to lure Big Show back to the ring, and work over his arm again and again and again, leaving it dangling useless, as Show fought him off again and again. Until finally, Del Rio got the Big Show down and Ricardo made quick work of duct taping Show’s feet to the ropes a’la John Cena and Batista. But while that was fun, this is infinitely better, because not only does Alberto have someone to do it for him, making it more realistic, but Del Rio also ripped Show’s arm up so badly, that the giant was physically unable to lift himself up to do anything about it. In the end, the plan worked like a charm, and the giant sat in the ring, humiliated for the second time in a row by our new hero.
This was a fun match, and the biggest reason for that is because WWE has something really special in Del Rio right now. Hopefully the temptation to push it to the side to focus on prior plans won’t cause them to make a huge mistake and let this momentum he has fade out, because I’m not joking in the slightest when I say that Alberto Del Rio, this Alberto Del Rio, could unseat John Cena as the top babyface in wrestling one day.
Tread carefully, WWE. Tread veeeeeery carefully.
80 out of 100
Cewsh’s Seal of Approval
Cewsh: We go backstage and Matt Striker is interviewing Dolph Ziggler, while AJ and Big E look on. Dolph cuts a promo about how he’s choosing to be the first entrant because he IS number one, (a lesser blog would make a pee joke here, but we’re professionals,) and says that he’ll win the Rumble from that spot with hardly any trouble at all. Matt Striker then suggests that it might be slightly harder than that, which gets him a lecture from AJ before Big E just grabs the microphone and shoves him out of the way.This is all pretty standard, until Big E opens his mouth and awesome comes flowing out like liquid gold.
I already knew that Big E Langston was exciting in the ring, hugely charismatic and a ridiculous specimen of humanity. But now he’s funny too? I wish I were wearing panties so that they could drop at this point. I’m saying it right now, Big E Langston is my new favorite wrestler. And that ominous thunderclap that you just heard is nothing to worry about. Happens all the time. Totally unrelated.
MichaelC: Big E Langston takes the mic and bloody hell he knocks it right out of the park, both mocking the typical WWE backstage interview and adding his charismatic charm on top of it. If this man can wrestle, he’ll be a bloody star.
Cewsh: HE’LL BE MY HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERO
Also, I totally called this.
MichaelC: Yeah, you were right.
Cewsh: I’m riding this prediction momentum right on to a heroic Royal Rumble bet victory later tonight. I’m blaring “I’ll Be Your Hero” and looking stoically at pictures of John Cena, Ryback and CM Punk. We’re bringing it home tonight, boys.
MichaelC: PS, Dolph Ziggler drew number 1, although he admitted both spots are identical in a rumble match. Which they are. He also mused about unifying the two world titles at WrestleMania in a statement which made half the online wrestling community explode with joy. No inadvertent porn references from me THIS month!
VAGINA PUPPET*
It did however take me three times watching this promo to write it up, as my wife keeps drooling over AJ…
*Cewsh Note: MichaelC may not be responsible for any mentions of vaginal ventriloquism.
Cewsh: After Ziggler and his crew leave, (and I finish fanning myself dramatically like a Southern belle from the 20s,) we get a string of short promos from people who are going to be in the Royal Rumble. This is a take on the string of promos like this they always used to do before the match back in the olden days of yore, and it really is a great way to remind you of who is involved and let viewers who don’t really watch between May and December get an idea for who all of these people are and what they’re all about.
Nobody really stands out as particularly noteworthy, though it is worth mentioning that Randy Orton is coming off more and more heelish by the day. Are we rapidly nearing the wondrous time where heel Orton comes back to us? Because seriously, that’s what I asked Santa for for Christmas, and that fat bastard never comes through for me.
MichaelC: MICHAELC’s “I’m MARKING OUT, BRO!” (copyright, Matt Striker, 2011) Moment Episode 1
Royal Rumble promos! I’ve been wanting them to return for…sixteen years now. This reminds me of the 1990 Rumble, when every man in that rumble except Koko B Ware and The Red Rooster gets promo time before the match. I couldn’t be more excited if President Obama interrupted this video via telepathy to announce time travelling aliens had returned all the missing BBC archives!
Cewsh: Now, in the spirit of these promos, I’ll now let the stalwart crew who will be reviewing the Rumble match with me cut promos of their own in their own unique styles.
DDT: It’s that time of year again; the time when we decide who will be one-half of the main event of Wrestlemania, and ANYONE CAN WIN!!! And by ‘anyone’ of course, we mean only main eventers. Just as well, really; who here would pay money to see Jinder Mahal wrestle in the main event? Anyone?
Didn’t think so.
So anyway the internet is all stoked and ready for Shelton Benjamin and Carlito to make their triumphant returns to WWE. I laugh at this because one is under contract to Ring of Honor, one left on really bad terms, and neither were all that good. Hurrah for nostalgia!
So I’ve only been casually keeping up-to-date with WWE, and this is their chance to pull me back in. Let’s see what you got, WWE!
ANYONE CAN WIN!!!
But it’s going to be John Cena.
Because, John. Cena.
JONH CENA.
MichaelC: In the ads, The Rock has turned into an actual bull and is going to gore people at the Rumble! BEWARE! I wonder how many people turned up to see the Rumble!
Cewsh: 20,000 or so? That’s the stadium capacity.
MichaelC: Well, that’s no fun. But speaking of stadium capacity…
Cewsh: Oh no no no we’re about to start the Rumble review you can’t just go off on a huge tangent here somebodyturnondrwhoquick
MichaelC: Now, David Meltzer has often claimed…
Cewsh: We’re doomed.
MichaelC: …on the basis of figures on actual documents he once saw, that the attendance at WrestleMania III was a mere seventy eight thousand, not the ninety three thousand plus that the WWE claim it to be. I would like to suggest that both parties are talking bullshit, and the real figure is somewhere in between. Lets first take into account the use of camera work at the event. Those cameras show us the crowd from all angles, and there doesn’t appear to be four thousand empty seats. (The Silverdome non-football seating attendance back then being 82k.) As a long term follower of football (or soccer if you wish), believe me, you can learn to spot four thousand empty seats in an arena. Speaking of football, FIFA held some of their 1994 World Cup in the Silverdome, and had to drastically cut down the attendance figures as soccer pitches are a lot larger than your average American sports pitch. With the drastically cut down SilverDome, FIFA, who aren’t strangers to “claiming as many sold tickets as possible” shall we say, claimed an attendance of 77.2k for Brazil/Sweden. Which for people who weren’t watching football in 1994, was the World Champions vs the team who finished third in the entire World. IE pretty massive.
So the drastically widened Silverdome held the same amount as the full seated Silverdome with people on the pitch. It doesn’t take a miracle to see where this is going, and speaking of miracles, here’s the Pope. He claimed 93.6k followers attended to see him give Mass back in 1987. Now, looking at the footage, there isn’t that much difference between the Pope’s audience and the wrestling one, in terms of size. Now David Meltzer claims that that were was a ten thousand person difference between the Pope’s and the WWF’s audiences, and that more people were packed in. This isn’t supported by the corroborating evidence, which suggests more people packed into the wrestling event! Also the idea of the Vatican working an attendance figure later on to keep up with pro-wrestling amuses me ever so slightly.
At the end of the day, Dave may have claims from people who worked at the WWE at the time, but I am going to have to call Occam’s Razor on this. The idea that the Silverdome themselves, the Vatican, the NFL, the TV channels that showed the sports involved based on tickets sold, and FIFA to name but a few organisations are ALL working their figures in entirely different ways to support WWE’s claim of 80k plus seems, to me, to be utterly ridiculous. If we were talking one or two or even three parties (Silverdome, WWF, Pope) then I’d even side with Meltzer, begrudgingly, but taking into account ALL the evidence, nah. The easier explanation for me is that it’s a tax fudge of some kind…
People who have spent far more time than me looking into this, (for example the folk at the ProWrestlingOnly forums, and going way back in time, The Oratory,) suggest an attendance of circa 85k. At the end of the day though, 78k, 85k, 93k, its a damn impressive crowd for pro-wrestling. But 93k AND 78k have as much credibility as a WWE “Did you know?” fact.
Cewsh: Congratulations. Now you’re smarter. You probably forgot your 8th birthday party to take all of that in, but that’s okay, because your mom didn’t get you the Spiderman cake you asked for anyway.
Cewsh: I’m not entirely sure how to bring my journalistic expertise to this match. It would be incredibly easy for me to just tell you that it’s virtually identical to the 30 other matches these two teams have had recently, because that is 100% the case. I could tell you about the backstory to stretch things out, but how many words can I really commit to the story of two guys who don’t get along who fight another two dudes and no plot development occurs at any point? I like trumping up midcard matches as extravagant displays of masterful excellence as much as the next guy, but these guys aren’t giving me anything to work with. This was a perfectly fine match between 4 guys that range from competent to terrific, with nobody really going out of their way to try to compete with the other mega matches on this card. The whole thing is just nice and unobtrusive, which is POISON TO THE REVIEWING PROCESS YOU PRICKS.
I suppose the important thing to focus on here is the growing dissension between Kane and Daniel Bryan. They never had much “sension” to begin with, granted, but it certainly seems as though things have run their course here and they are quickly speeding towards a break up feud between the two. I can’t argue with the decision since their act has pretty much done everything that it could do, but with both they and Rhodes Scholars splitting up, that tag team division we were so excited about a few months ago isn’t looking too hot right now.
72 out of 100
MichaelC: Here comes the title change. Only…it doesn’t happen. That’s strange. The WWE rule of three (third title chance is the charm) has failed me. What that means for Rhodes and Sandow is anyone’s guess. JBL makes a Freddie Mercury reference, at which point Michael Cole tries to show off all his Queen knowledge. Later, Cole blows it by asking if someone would still be a vegan if they ate goat cheese. Vegans…don’t eat cheese.
Cewsh: Team Hell No is backstage celebrating their victory, when Vickie Guerrero shows up and gives each guy their Rumble entry number. Bryan shows his to Kane, inspiring uproarious laughter and mockery while Bryan just stews and feels sad. Bryan asks suggests “I showed you mine, now show me yours”, but Kane won’t show him because “Trust me, you’ll feel inadequate.” And while wrestling and dick jokes generally work together about as well as peanut butter and french toast, (Cewsh Note: Actually, that sounds amazing. Hold on a minute… Yeah guys, this is fucking delicious, you should get in on this.) this was pretty goddamn funny. I don’t know how much shelf life these guys have together, but even after they break up, this whole run deserves to be remembered as one of the few genuinely funny scripted things in wrestling. Kudos to all involved.
Cewsh: Well here we are, the match we’ve all been waiting for. But before we get started, let’s just pretend like none of us have ever seen a Royal Rumble before and go over the rules. The Rumble is a battle royal with 30 participants that starts with two men in the ring, with another entering every 90 seconds. Eliminations can occur at any time, and take place when a competitor is thrown over the top rope and has both of his feet touch the floor. Anything goes, and anything and anyone can eliminate you, and the winner of the match gets an automatic championship match of their choosing at Wrestlemania. Okay, everyone clear on that? Good.
To cover the Rumble this year, we’ve assembled the combined might of the Cewsh Reviews staff into a tiny room with no ventilation and made them all watch the show together. So you will finally get to see what the entire team is like when forced to endure one another’s company and watch a wrestling show at the same time. We have Vice, DDT, MichaelC, and Ms. Cewsh. And remember that, as always, MichaelC and I have our Rumble bet where the loser has to review any show of the winner’s choosing. If Ryback, Cena or Punk win this match, then I win. Otherwise, I will be subjected to the “glories” of Owen Hart for another 3 hours. I have never wanted John Cena to win a match so badly.
Alright then. So, is our rumble historian ready?
MichaelC: Rumble rumble rumble rumble rumble rumble rumble rumble!
Cewsh: Let’s start the review before Michael explodes from sheer excitement. It’s the only night of the year we let him off the chain, and we’ve been feeding him nothing but old Rumble posters for days.
DDT: So Dolph is entry number one due to shenanigans and pissing off his ex. Earlier in the evening he cut a promo about how awesome he was and that he’d win the Rumble despite being number one, joining the illustrious company of Shawn Michaels and Chris Ben……uh…..that….other…..guy. So of course he cuts a promo about how he’s awesome and is going to win the Rumble despite being number one. We heard you the first time Dolph! Seriously, is it a rule now that number one has to talk shit before the Rumble?
And what the hell is with that stupid zipper thing on the front of his trunks? Why do you wear something that naturally attracts my eyes to your crotch?
Stop looking at me, Michael.
MichaelC: Ahem. Ziggler may be #1, but Shawn Michaels won it from that spot in 1995. Admittedly, Chris Jericho in 2009 lasted about the same length of time as Shawn’s ‘epic’ performance. Some other guy won it from Number 1 in 2004, but I don’t think we talk about him anymore.
Cewsh: I keep petitioning WWE to just recognize Billy Gunn as the winner that year, but they won’t return my phone calls.
Vice: I have to start by saying that I love Ziggler as a talent. I don’t see him as a clear, solid main eventer just yet. That’s not a knock on him by any means, though. His time will come if WWE doesn’t fuck things up. So, he has a 50/50 chance. What’s good about having a storyline featuring someone having to start the Rumble match is that WWE has a lot of faith in that person, and they are likely to have a very long stay. So this could be the thing that really puts Ziggler ahead of the pack as a serious contender.
MichaelC: Ziggler gets his good luck “snog” from AJ, and the Most exciting hour of the year is under way.
Cewsh: Wait, why is it all dark all of a sudden? You don’t think…
Ms.Cewsh: God damn it.
DDT: HOLY SHIT!!!
Vice: JERICHOOOOOOOOOOOO.
MichaelC: BREAK THE WALLS DOWN!
Well, that puts the cat among the pigeons!
DDT: Now this, THIS is a nice surprise. Chris is back, the light-bright jacket is back, and the crowd pops HUGE! Seriously, its freaky how over Jericho is with the crowd. That man is the master of come-backs.
Michael:C: Jericho is back face to face with the man who put him out of the WWE back in August. And the crowd are reacting like Elvis has walked into the building!
Vice: I’m not surprised he’s in this, but I’m surprised he’s number two. But that makes sense, because he and Ziggler have a history, and he can wrestle forever without getting tired. So he’s going to be here a while as well, I’m sure. I’m not a big fan of ol’ Jericho, but his experience is great for stuff like this. And he and Ziggler have pretty good chemistry.
MichaelC: It’s like they were thinking: “How do we stop people being so disappointed that the rumble isn’t on last? Give ‘em Jericho!”
Crowd: YOU STILL GOT IT!
Jericho: I NEVER LOST IT, BABY!
Brilliant.
DDT: Really, a “you still got it” chant? The man was gone for like, six months people. I know you are excited but simmer down.
Vice: CODY RHODES AND HIS MUSTACHE. Love it.
DDT: Okay, now I propose an interesting conundrum to my gathered friends; which is more obnoxious, the arm tattoo, the zipper tights, or that marvelous mustache Cody keeps twirling?
My God the Liontamer was and is remains a thing of beauty. Wish more guys were flexible/injury free enough to use it more often.
MichaelC: Unlucky number 3 is the spot of Cody Rhodes this year. Unlucky, because I always associate number 3 with an early bath. Possibly because Butch Reed, Papa Shango, Bob Backlund, Fake Razor, Tom Brandi, Golga, Headbanger Mosh, Bossman, Daniel Puder, Simon Dean, Santino Marella and Justin Gabriel have all drawn the number and swiftly been the first man eliminated from the match. That’s 12 from 26 rumble matches. And in twelve other rumbles, the longest time a number three has lasted in the ring was Andre the Giant’s 14 minutes in 1989, and I’d like to qualify that by noting that he was Andre the bloody Giant. The only two men who have laughed in the face of the Number Three curse were Greg “the Hammer” Valentine and Ric Flair (who actually won from the spot), two of the all time greats.
So to say history isn’t on Cody’s side here is to put it mildly. He’s got some great Rumble history, and he’ll need to put it all to the test…
This is Cody’s 5th rumble match, incidentally. Michael Cole can’t count.
Three pretty good wrestlers starting us off though.
DDT: Kofi improved a lot in 2012, and he’s replaced Morrison as the Rumble Highlight reel for me, though nothing will ever top Morrison’s barricade grab to avoid elimination. Still, he hits his fun spots for fun times.
You know, if I was a masochist, I’d actually keep my own clock and see if it’s really 90 seconds between Rumble entrants.
Vice: Kofi is fun for these matches because he’s a jumpy little fuck with a lot of energy.
MichaelC: As a ball of fire who can get the crowd going, he’s a great choice for an early rumble entry. No slouches in this ring yet, in the one of the finest starting four since… 2003 probably.
I do like how Jericho and Cody Rhodes both go to try and eliminate folk at any opportunity that arises. Rumble smarts.
DDT: JBL: “Don’t blink.” JBL is best commentator.
MichaelC: Santino?
I thought he was injured.
Santino power walks into the match and tosses everyone over the top rope! He’s going to Diesel the Rumble! Only everyone lands on the apron and gets back in, and he is swiftly out. Ah well. Santino for 2014 Rumble winner then.
*To Diesel the Rumble: to emulate Diesel in 1994 and clean house in a rumble match. Men like Stone Cold Steve Austin, Rikishi and the Road Dogg have followed in this path, but Diesel was the man who paved the way.
Vice: Normally I’m not a fan of Santino, but I loved him clearing out the ring and thinking he’s a badass, and then getting his comeuppance shortly after. It was a nice little comedy spot to break things up a bit. Something that is generally required, but sometimes overdone.
DDT: Huh. Well, um, on with the show!
MichaelC: Drew’s in the Rumble!
He might win this, you know.
Drew tries to eliminate Kofi Kingston! That’s right, you get him for beating you for the IC title the last time you ever got a push worth a damn, Drew!
Drew has lasted 40 seconds now. That’s ten times the Bushwacker record!
The countdown and Drew has lasted a whole ninety seconds. I’m so proud.
Vice: I do not care about Drew McIntyre, or 3MB as a whole. They are stupid.
Vice: MILLIONS OF DOLLARS, ZERO FUCKS.
DDT: You know something? I like the Prime Time Players. I like their name, I like their gimmick, I like their little dance they do; they’re just fun mid-card heels. Say it with me Michael “Millions of dollars, millions of dollars!”
MichaelC: No.
DDT: Vice?
Vice: No.
DDT: Cewsh?
Cewsh: I would, but you asked me last and my ego can’t stand for that.
MichaelC: TITUS O’Neil is here to MAKE IT A WIN. That joke is still relevant, right?
Titus is entertaining in all things which don’t involve wrestling. Sadly, he needs to kind of wrestle in the rumble.
Vice: I don’t get why everyone is so crazy about PTP, but this dude at least has some charisma to him, and at least this crowd is into him. That is good. Hopefully he becomes a better wrestler in the future.
MichaelC: Drew goes to clothesline Jericho out of the match, but Jericho drops the shoulder. Drew sees the OMG’ing effort before it is too late, and holds onto the top rope, but meets a missile dropkick off the second rope and hits the floor.
DDT: Bye-bye, Scottish guy whose name I can’t be bothered to remember! On that note, MAN this crowd loves them some Jericho! I don’t think they’ve been louder for anything else.
MichaelC: Drew’s gone!
Cewsh: There there.
MichaelC: I’d like to announce that Drew McIntyre lasted a whole 2 minutes AND 30 seconds in this years rumble. What a man.
Cewsh: Surefire Hall of Famer.
MichaelC: Don’t you patronize me!
MichaelC: GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLDUST
Vice: GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLDUST.
Cewsh: GOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALDUST
Vice: Very happy to see this bastard again. I was really impressed last time I saw him in WWE. I thought it was the best he ever was, and it was great. Amazing turnaround for him, considering his Black Reign stint in TNA which was like the worst thing ever. He still looks like he’s in fantastic shape, and it’s cool to see Cody salivating waiting to kick the crap out of his brother.
DDT: Okay, damnit, why aren’t Goldy and Cody feuding? Everything they did the crowd are up huge, from their pre-match posturing to their brawling, to their kicking Ziggler the heck out of their fight. This is money, and if it doesn’t happen at Mania, then WWE is just beyond hope.
MichaelC: Everyone has had a chance to look good for a bit so far. If this rumble carries in this vein, it’d be a good one.
DDT: JBL made a “Bookdust” reference and I am happy.
Vice: Otunga is in absurd shape.
Cewsh: Yes yes he is.
MichaelC: David Otunga! In his third rumble match.
Otunga didn’t win anyone poor guy benefits against a corrupt company this year though, so he’s not winning the rumble.
DDT: You know, I wish I could make some joke about how absolutely worthless David Otunga is at everything in wrestling, but really, he just bores me; hell, the fans went back to chanting for Goldust the second he got in the ring. Seriously Cewsh, what do you see in this guy? Cewsh?…CEWSH STOP DROOLING!!! OH GOD IT’S EVERYWHERE!!
DDT: John Cena once made a joke about Heath Slater looking like the “chick from Wendy’s”. Heath Slater’s biggest victory is against Doink the Clown. Congratulations, you now know the two most interesting facts about Heath Slater.
I love how through it all, Ziggler and Jericho keep going after each other, as do Goldust and Cody. Seriously though, this ring is starting to fill up, making it hard to concentrate on Ziggler’s zipper tights…errr, the action. Can we get someone to clear the ring up, please?
MichaelC: Heath Slater? Anyone got a stopwatch?
Cole calls him the Axl Rose of 3MB. Poor Heath Slater.
Lots of people, kicking themselves. We need someone big in here now, the crowd are starting to cool from the big start.
Vice: Heath Slater wastes oxygen I could potentially breathe one day. I love how Ziggler and Jericho are STILL going at it. It’s almost like they’re in their own little world. It’s quite great.
DDT: That’ll work.
MichaelC: SHEAMUS!
That’ll do nicely.
Sheamus kicks everyones ass, and decides to ride the match of Titus and David Otunga. Technically, you could count Otunga with the assist on Titus’s exit, before he got his head kicked off.
Vice: I love Sheamus doing his arms out pose/taunt thing while running to the ring with a giant smile on his face. He is like a 5 year old pretending to fly. I CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN FLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!! Oh right, he is supposed to be very intimidating. Which I suppose works, because he murderizes everyone and everyone has to gang up on him to slow him down.
DDT: Thank God, now Cewsh can stop slobbering over himself.
Cewsh: Now who will adjust my legal briefs?
MichaelC: Tensai is in now. Now there is a man who they have completely buggered up the return of.
DDT: Poor Tensai; he comes back after getting ridiculously good in Japan, only to be saddled with a gimmick that had no chance of working, the fans shit all over it, and now he’s back to his unmotivated slob days.
MichaelC: Slater watch. Heath Slater has lasted three minutes so far. 15 minutes for Ziggler and Jericho, and 13.5 for Cody Rhodes. Oh, and 12 for Kofi.
Sheamus is trying to toss out Slater, but he is valiantly hanging on. MandyC is a big fan of Heath Slater, actually, she finds his goofiness admirable, and sadly he reminds her of her husband.
Vice: TENSAI is a gigantic waste of space. Man, he was fucking awesome in Japan, but WWE has ruined him. The best thing about him is that he is a huge dude who can be very quick and aggressive, putting on great intense matches. So WWE hires him again and.. makes him a horribly generic , slow, plodding, boring as utter fuck hoss. YAY. Fire him, because I don’t think there’s a wrestler on the roster I’d rather see gone.
Vice: …scratch my previous statement. I change my answer to Brodus Clay. I’d be happy never seeing him ever again.
DDT: Hey, remember when this gimmick was fresh, interesting, and kind of fun? When everyone danced along with Brodus rather than cringing in fear? Me neither. So let’s focus on something we do care about, Cody vs. Goldust!!! They’re on the apron, and this is getting dangerous.
MichaelC: Brodus comes in and does nothing of note, which sums up his WWE career. Ziggler and Sheamus, shades of their great World title match last May.
Goldust and Cody Rhodes go at it! No wait, both are on the apron. Dangerous! And…Cody eliminates Goldust for the second Royal Rumble!
That’s two eliminations for Cody Rhodes so far. He got six eliminations in 2012.
DDT: Crowd boos, Cody smiles evilly. Seriously; Wrestlemania. Feud. Make it happen.
MichaelC: Let me remind you the victims of Number Fourteen, the urban legend has it as the cursed rumble spot. Haku…ok, the curse ignored him, because it’s afraid of him, and frankly I don’t blame it. Marty Jannetty though, a trope namer for burnt out wrecks. Bulldog, dead. Hercules, dead. Koko B Ware, released that year. Doink, irrelevant. One of the Blu Brothers, released that year. Doug Gilbert. Who? Goldust. Released more times than Marty Jannetty, and substance issues. Shamrock, gone within 18 months. Kurrgann, gone within three months. Bob Backlund, gone within three months. Goodfather, retired within a year and a half (and spent most of 2001 out injured). DDP, career ending injury three months later. Eddie Guerrero, dead. Rikishi, released that year. Orlando Jordan, career collapse. Joey Mercury, went to rehab, came back, then met a ladder which disagreed with him rather violently. Jeff Hardy…well, you’ve seen whats happened to him. Umaga, dead. Finlay, retired within the year. MVP, released that year. Chris Masters, released that year. Jinder Mahal, a joke anyway.
So, death, life altering changes or career collapse. Not a happy turn of events for the poor souls who draw #14
And this year’s victim is…Rey Mysterio. Well, it was nice knowing you, Rey. (Though, Cewsh Review lawyers ensure I mean in career terms. I might not like Rey, but I’m not sick!)
He looks like a man ready to retire too.
DDT: Hey, here comes Mr. Wellness Violation! Seriously though, I love Rey; probably the most dependable hand to have in a match, and he demonstrates that here with some smooth work with Ziggler and Jericho. Shame that the ring is filling up again, but at least its full of people I care about one way or another…and Brodus Clay.
Cewsh: Even Heath Slater?
DDT: Wait, he’s still in there?
Vice: Rey is so stupid. I like how he is wearing a top because he has gotten chubby and flabby.. and the top doesn’t really cover anything but his stomach up. You can see the rest of his flab just fine. Go away, Mysterio.
DDT: Annnnnnnnd here’s the other, slightly less fun half of the Prime Time Players! Wait, everyone’s ganging up on Brodus; could it mean…
MichaelC: Darren Young enters the match.
A strange thing was happening though. Heath Slater was still in the match, and trying to eliminate Brodus Clay. This was going as well as you might expect, so he called for help. Sheamus showed up trying to take the big man out, then Cody Rhodes joined in. A strange partnership if ever there was one. Coming back to the ring, Jericho and Ziggler have joined into help take out Brodus, and Darren Young swiftly rushes over to help. The six men manage to dump Brodus out of the match. Teamwork!
This is amazing for two reasons.
First, it is the only time in history Darren Young will ever be credited with a Royal Rumble elimination.
Secondly, the elimination came about from a move that Heath Slater of all people orchestrated!
Thirdly, because I’m nothing if not a man of contradictions, I love how Tensai just stands in the corner watching them. Let them break their backs getting Clay out instead!
DDT: YES!! YES!!!! YES!!!!!
DDT: Slightly disappointing, but it was a cool elimination; speaking of cool…HOLY SHIT KOFI!!!
Okay, if Kofi makes this jump, this will officially beat Morrison hanging off the barricade like Spider-Man.
MichaelC: Uhm, you describe the Kofi elimination escape, Cewshington? Use of “jump the shark” is forbidden.
Cewsh: Well basically this happened:
…and then this happened…
…and then some of this…
Kofi uses JBL’s chair as a pogo stick to make it all the way back to the ring while everyone freaked out in celebration.
Vice: I liked Kofi doing the handstand to save himself last Rumble, but this spot just took way too long for my liking. We got a good like two minutes of Kofi trying to get back on land. And if I were him, I would have just stayed on the Spanish announce table until close to the end of the Rumble. Seriously, why not? You’re not getting eliminated being out there, so you may as well just wait.
If I were booking this, I’d have had him sit on the table for a good 10 minutes or so waiting for someone to be eliminated in front of him, and then he uses them as a platform and runs across their back into the ring. And after so much time is dedicated to him and the pogo-chair, he gets eliminated right away.
DDT: Who cares?! Go back to Kofi, damnit!
MichaelC: In between that, Darren Young went out, and Bo Dallas went in. The crowd cared about neither.
Scott Armstrong intently watching the pogo session to make sure neither foot hit the floor is another favorite moment of it too.
Vice: During all of this, Bo Dallas came out. I don’t care.
Cewsh: Once Kofi gets back onto the apron, a self destructive Darren Young charges him and finds that the world has suddenly filled up with black mats where the sky should be.
Cewsh: But no sooner has Kofi dealt with that problem, when Cody Rhodes comes soaring through the air and knocks Kofi the fuck out with a Beautiful Disaster kick. The smug look on Cody’s face after doing this, if properly harnessed, could power your house for 8 years.
DDT: Between this and the Goldust elimination, Rhodes has been the spoil sport of the Rumble, and I love him for it.
MichaelC: Four eliminations for Cody Rhodes now. Incredible performance by him too, from the unlucky spot.
DDT: I feel so cheated; I mean, I could have had someone whose personality began and ended with spitting apples, or some dude who had a fat mother. Instead, I get a wrestler from my childhood that the crowd cared about. What is the world coming to when I am cheated so? Wait a minute…
MichaelC: THE GODFATHER?
It’s the bloody Godfather, and the crowd go nuts.
Cewsh: I feel like I’m supposed to be excited to see him, but honestly, he was a popular midcarder for a cup of coffee 15 years ago, and he looks like someone’s grandpa wandered in here thinking it was the Champagne Room.
MichaelC: Well this is the rumble for random former IC Champions making surprise appearances.
I love this. JBL goes nuts on commentary in excitement, telling us how this is going to be great. Godfather comes out with his lady friends, Huggy Bear outfit and biggest smile in wrestling, takes off his glasses and coat, enters the ring and is immediately dropkicked back out, much to JBL’s horror. Godfather then puts his coat and glasses back on, and does his Godfather thing on the walk back to the crowds cheers. And the best thing about all of this?
Vice: GODFATHER! …one of the least PG characters they could have brought back.
DDT: Well. That was…short. Does that beat Santino’s time?
Vice: He spends a wonderful one second in the ring, and they never even stopped his music. It played until he got to the back, which makes this whole segment seem very.. SCRIPTED. Is wrestling FAKE?
MichaelC: Godfather, incidentally, is one of the genuine nicest people in pro-wrestling, so I am happy to see him show up now and again for the odd nostalgia pop and pay cheque. He deserves it. He also doesn’t speak badly of anyone in wrestling, bar Virgil and Johnny Ace.
Also, technically this means Wade Barrett’s Papa Shango joke tweet actually WAS a spoiler this year.
MichaelC: You know, there isn’t a divas match on this show. I know, I’m sad too. To compensate, however, I’d like to at this time bring up Eve Torres’s final WWE match on RAW from January when she dropped the Divas title to Kaitlyn. A women’s match with four months back story and given more than five minutes in the ring is a rarity in today’s WWE, and if I did MichaelC Download Seal of Approvals, that match would certainly get one. So please, if you haven’t seen, give it a look out. You might be pleasantly surprised.
Cewsh: And with that, everyone wave goodbye to our resident Rumble historian. He’s been killing it for us as we got caught back up to date on WWE, but now we must let him rest in his paper lined sarcophagus so that he can be nice and spry for next year. Or rather until I cash in my Misery In The Bank review because I WON BABY YESSSSSSSSS
Well that’ll do it for us this time, boys and girls. We hope you enjoyed a peak into the madness of Cewsh Reviews headquarters as we royaled and rumbled. Next week, we’re headed to Japan for a month overdue look at the second biggest wrestling event in the world, NJPW Wrestle Kingdom VII. The main event features the culmination of our pick for feud of the year, and this is show that respected bloggers and reporters world wide have called perhaps the greatest wrestling show ever produced. So, um, yeah. No pressure guys. But until then, remember to keep reading and be good to one another!
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